Pity is a special kind of poison. It's like a nasty cold. You wake up one morning and you feel a little under the weather. As the day goes on, you slowly get worse and worse until you are knocked completely on the butt by it. That was my day on Wednesday. I was up with Myah a lot during the night and I let my mind wander. I let my fears creep in to the point that by the end of the day I had convinced myself that another bleed and surgery were imminent in the near future. The end result; all my dreams were going to be shattered. Like I said, pity, especially self-pity, is a poison.
My blog post sparked quite the response from my family and my friends. On one hand, it was somewhat embarrassing for everyone to know that I was having a weak moment. On the other hand, I am not sure if I would have made it through the day without everyone. I do feel like I need to reassure everyone that even though I have these moments and are open about them, please do not count me out. I am one tough cookie and I have a pretty good grasp on my feelings and emotions. I still remember the day I checked out of New Aldaya and them asking me if I ever had feelings of depression, etc. After they left the room, Patrick turned to me and said, "They have no idea who they are talking to, do they?" I just laughed. The point is, I got this. Please don't doubt me.
What did I learn? My dreams have already come true. I have a husband that is so supportive and thoughtful. He carries the world on his shoulders without even blinking an eye and loves me no matter what kind of day I am having. I have four beautiful, healthy daughters that are the light of my life. As if that isn't already enough, I have family and friends that would literally drop everything on a dime to come help me in my times of need. My dreams have already come true.
I cannot live in the "what if's." I would like to quote part of an email that my good friend and co-worker, Jane, wrote me on Wednesday. She was explaining to me through her personal experience that I still dream and will always dream and to never let the "what if's" stop me. Jane is THE strongest woman I know and a daily inspiration to me. Jane, I hope you are okay with me quoting you. These words were just too perfect and right on to try to claim them as my own thoughts. Too late now if you're not! ;-)
How right on is this woman? This single email brought me back folks. It made me wake up and gain some perspective."Nothing but my own doubts stop me. I can dream. I need to dream. Don't go to the "what if." You didn't live that way before. Don't live that way now. If we let every frightful thing govern us thinking "what if" we would never move forward. My normal is not the same any more. It never will be. My normal changed when I got married, when I had kids, when I ............. I'm not sure what "normal" is any more. Normal is what we make it. Normal is comfortable. That will come again. It will."
I have never stopped dreaming. Dreaming is what got me through the night of my stroke and the rehabilitation journey I am on. I received another email from my co-worker and friend, Charlie, who is THE most wise person I know. Once again I cannot claim these words as my own. Charlie, I hope you don't mind, but I had to add this because these words just clicked for me.
"The ability to dream is a gift nobody can take from us. Don't relinquish it simply because dreams and plans may not come to pass. Even though your medical risks are real, it is also true that dreams can, and do, shatter for any one of us. Focusing on the present and dreaming about the future are not mutually exclusive. You can do both. If one dream doesn't materialize, a new one can arise to replace it."My dreams give me hope. I know I am still dreaming because I still have that hope today. Yes, my future and the dreams I had six months ago may look a little different, but I can still dream. But, no one can take my ability to dream away except for myself. I can still dream big.
I WILL DREAM.
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